Relating to the Opposite Sex

Our subject tonight is "Relating to the Opposite Sex".

Since the 1960s the Western World has become more animal and less human in regard to sexual relationships. And the consequences are dire. This is how the poet Roger McGough describes that experience of dehumanization:

The Act of Love lies somewhereBetween the belly and the mindI lost the love some time agoNow I've only the act to grind.

C.S.Lewis in his book The Four Loves calls this "Venus" as distinct from "Eros". He argues that "Venus" is animal sex - a pure biological instinct. In reality it is hardly different from going to the toilet. It aims at excited feelings and physical release. "Eros", on the other hand, is about another human being who is loved as a unique person.

"Sexual desire without Eros" [writes C.S.Lewis] "wants it, the thing in itself; Eros wants the Beloved. The thing is a sensory pleasure; that is, an event occurring within one's own body. We use a most unfortunate idiom when we say of a lustful man, prowling the streets, that he "wants a woman". Strictly speaking, a woman is just what he does not want. He wants a pleasure for which a woman happens to be the necessary piece of apparatus."

And along with this animalizing of sex has gone a breakdown of our basic structure for sexual relating - namely, lifelong heterosexual monogamous marriage. And the result? - misery! Take the huge increase in cohabitation - living together before, or in place of, marriage. It used to be called "living in sin". It is emphatically not a good idea. It is sinful.

Living together before marriage actually makes divorce more probable. And it results in greater marital instability, lower marital and sexual satisfaction, poorer communication in marriage and poorer outcomes for any children. But things are changing - in America. Melanie Phillips wrote recently for the Sunday Times about Oklahoma which is typical of a number of places in the US. She writes:

"Oklahoma's social workers, nurses, health visitors and other public sector staff are to give all the people coming to them for help ... the explicit and uncompromising message that marriage is their best protection against abuse, poverty and disease ... America has counted the cost of family collapse and decided that it is simply too high a price to pay ... At some point in the last decade, America decided to draw a line in the sand ... Some 34 states accordingly promoted [sexual] abstinence programmes in schools, which contributed to a significant drop in teenage pregnancies."

So you see that our subject tonight "Relating to the Opposite Sex" is a matter of public as well as personal importance.

And tonight we want to discover what the bible has to say about these things. I want us first to think generally about the bible's teaching on relating to the opposite sex, and then I want us to look specifically at 1 Timothy 4.1-5.

So my headings tonight are first, BASIC BIBLICAL ETHICS; secondly, FALSE TEACHING; and, thirdly, "RECEIVED WITH THANKSGIVING".


First, BASIC BIBLICAL ETHICS

Perhaps you say, "Why go to the bible? The world today is so different." That is where you are wrong. In New Testament times, for example, there was decadence like today. In AD 50 a Roman Empress was a common prostitute; of the first 15 Roman Emperors, 14 were practising homosexuals; and Jerome tells us of a woman marrying her 23rd husband, she being his 21st wife! And the talk of the day in Palestine was of the divorce and remarriage of Herod Antipas to Herodias - it was almost a first century version of Charles and Camilla! John the Baptist publicly denounced Herod and Herodias and for his pains he was imprisoned, then executed.

So it was in that context and answering a question about divorce that Jesus gave us some fundamental teaching in Mark 10. He said (Mark 10.5):

It was because your hearts were hard that Moses wrote you this law, [about divorce] ... 6 But at the beginning of creation God 'made them male and female.' 7 'For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, 8 and the two will become one flesh.' So they are no longer two, but one. 9 Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate.

And he went on (verse 11):

Anyone who divorces his wife and marries another woman commits adultery against her. 12And if she divorces her husband and marries another man, she commits adultery.

Do you see what Jesus is saying? He is saying "if you want to understand the relationship between the sexes, go back to Genesis - go back to creation." So the bible's teaching on sex is not a perks for the believer, but the maker's instructions for all, as social science is now proving. And what you get in Genesis is that God created human beings to share humanity with the opposite sex. He created Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve or Ada and Eve. It was not a homosexual creation but a heterosexual creation. Nor is Genesis like the Greek myth where an original a-sexual hominid was created that was subsequently divided into two sexes. No! Jesus, quoting Genesis 1, says: "at the beginning of creation God 'made them male and female'." You are created a human male or a human female. Your sexuality is not an add on. It is not just a matter of the plumbing as some feminist thinking seems to suggest. You see, Genesis 1 teaches that men and women are fundamentally equal before God. But Genesis 2 teaches that they are fundamentally different. That is why men and women need each other. And supremely they need each other in marriage.

For this reason [says Jesus, quoting from Genesis 2 (this is Mark 10.7)] a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, 8 and the two will become one flesh.' So they are no longer two, but one.

Yes, domestic arrangements may vary from culture to culture. But whatever the arrangements, there always needs to be a "nucleus" of a man and a woman to be father and mother to their children. And this relationship of the man and the woman should be lifelong. "Therefore," says Jesus - and here he adds to the Genesis account - "what God has joined together, let man not separate". That is very significant. Jesus is saying no divorce and remarriage. This relationship is to be permanent.

And he is endorsing the principle that "one flesh" through sexual intercourse is only to take place after there is a "leaving of father and mother" and a "uniting" of husband and wife. That rules out all premarital, extramarital and homosexual sex (as the New Testament teaches elsewhere). Sexual intercourse between the sexes is to be reserved for marriage. And that unity in marriage means (as you read in 1 Cor 7.39) that a believer should only marry another believer.

So upholding the permanency of marriage and opposing divorce and remarriage, Jesus naturally opposed all the causes of divorce and remarriage. He naturally opposed adultery. He insisted on the Ten Commandments. True, he didn't uphold enforcing the Old Testament penalty of stoning for breaking the commandment against adultery (John 8.7). He thereby showed that there is declaratory value in the law as upholding a standard even when the penalty is not enforced. That is precisely the case today with Clause 28. That says homosexuality may not be promoted in our schools. It is a restraining influence even if penalties are not imposed. And Jesus realized that adultery was more than the outward act. In the Sermon on the Mount he said this (Matthew 5.27-30):

I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart. 29 If your right eye causes you to sin, gouge it out and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to be thrown into hell. 30 And if your right hand causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to go into hell.

Jesus is teaching that adultery doesn't just take place in bed. It starts much earlier with the mind and in the heart. That is where sexual temptation starts. And Jesus knew all about this. The bible says he was "tempted in every way, just as we are--yet was without sin" (Heb 4.15). He was not married: so he was celibate. He showed, therefore, that while to be human is to share humanity with the opposite sex, you don't have to be sexually active to be fully human.

And Jesus is pretty blunt. He says that sexual sin can come from what your eyes see and your hands do. So if necessary you have to be ruthless in respect of your eyes and in respect of your hands.But you say, "how realistic is it to expect this level of sexual discipline?" It is totally realistic. J.D.Unwin, the great anthropologist, discovered that civilization only develops when each, I quote, ... "... new generation inherits a social system under which sexual opportunity is reduced to a minimum."

Unwin concluded that you have a choice - either cultural achievement or sexual licence. It is impossible for any society to enjoy both, for more than one generation.

And, finally, in this overview, Jesus on one occasion said we should think about marriage in the context of eternity. For marriage is only for this life (Luke 20.35). Heaven will be more glorious for everyone. So there is great hope for every believer, however dark the present may seem.

Well, that if you like, is basic biblical ethics. But you say, "why then do you hear churchmen contradict much of that? Particularly over the last half of the 20th century you have had clergyman say that sex is sometimes OK outside marriage and homosexual sex is OK. What is happening?"

That brings us to our second heading.


Secondly, FALSE TEACHING

Look now at 1 Timothy 4 and verses 1-2:

The Spirit clearly says that in later times some will abandon the faith and follow deceiving spirits and things taught by demons. 2 Such teachings come through hypocritical liars, whose consciences have been seared as with a hot iron.

So don't be surprised when you hear clergymen - even senior clergymen and bishops - denying the clear teaching of the bible on marriage and sex. Paul predicts that "some will abandon the faith." Notice how Paul speaks of people who believe this false teaching. He doesn't pussyfoot. He says they are following "deceiving spirits and things taught by demons".

Do you believe in the devil? The bible is quite clear that the evil in the world is not accounted for by adding together all human individual misdeeds and wrong thoughts. No! There is more - there is a "super-plus". And that added dimension to evil, the bible says, is not an "it" - an impersonal force of evil. No! It needs to be spoken of as a "he" - there are personal characteristics - those of intelligence and design at the least. I find that totally believable.

You see, the devil is seldom directly encountered as he is. On the one hand, says Paul, "Satan himself masquerades as an Angel of light" (2 Cor 11.14). And on the other hand, as Paul says here in 1 Timothy 4, he often uses agents to do his business. Look at verse 2 of 1 Timothy 4:

Such teachings come through hypocritical liars, whose consciences have been seared as with a hot iron.

Paul doesn't mince matters. He says that the devil, or his minions, spreads his lies - his false teachings - through teachers who are "hypocritical liars". They lie, because what they teach is false. They are hypocrites because they are play acting (the literal meaning of the word). Some of them only half believe the false teaching they are giving out. And all are play acting because they are frauds. They should never be in the positions they hold as teachers in the church while teaching as they do. And, says Paul, their "consciences have been seared as with a hot iron."

So don't be surprised by false teaching in the church.

And in this case these false teachers were, among other things, devaluing marriage. Verse 3a, "they [were] forbid[ding] people to marry and order[ing] them to abstain from certain foods." So how does Paul deal with this?

That brings us to our final and third heading.


Thirdly, "RECEIVED WITH THANKSGIVING".

Look at verses 3b-5:

[referring to marriage and food, Paul says that they are things] which God created to be received with thanksgiving by those who believe and who know the truth. 4 For everything God created is good, and nothing is to be rejected if it is received with thanksgiving, 5 because it is consecrated by the word of God and prayer.

Down the centuries people have gone wrong in two ways with regard to marriage and sex [and also food]. There have been those who have said, "just give in and do what you like". There have been others who have said, "have nothing to do with the body - deny it." That is what these people here were saying.

But Paul will have none of it. He taught that you must not have a sexual (or a gluttonous) free for all. He taught that in 1 Corinthians. Nor must you say, as here, that God is against marriage [or food]. Of course not, says Paul. They must be good. They were created by God (verse 4). And because that is so important, Paul says it twice (in verses 3 and 4). Paul stresses that marriage is part of God's creation. So what, then, is the right response? You have it here in verse 3:

it [marriage] is to be received with thanksgiving.

And that too is so important that Paul says it twice - in verses 3 and 4: "it is to be received with thanksgiving." Nor is this only for the married. Paul was probably single himself. He would have known loneliness at times and the sadness that goes with it. But he also knew the therapeutic value of thanksgiving. He knew that moaning and complaining is so negative - not only to others but to yourself. So he could thank God for the gift of marriage - for the marriages in the Christian fellowship. And he could thank God for the freedom he had, because he was not married. But notice that it is "those who believe and know the truth" that can give thanks for marriage.

The Christian marriage and sex ethic is the way to true happiness - the happiness of the couple, of their children and of the wider society. Social science is now confirming that. And more and more people are recognizing that.

But for so many it is depressing as they know they have failed already. And others know that it is so difficult living as God intended. That is why they need not just the Christian ethic but also the Christian gospel or good news.

This must underlie the Christian ethic - the good news, first, that Christ forgives sin, including sexual sin and the failures that people have made of their lives. That is why he came to die, as we remember at this Holy Communion service. He came to save from sin. On the cross he bore our sins that we might be forgiven. Who needs to trust him for forgiveness tonight? And remember no one is too bad to be saved or too good not to need saving.

And, secondly, the good news is that he gives you strength to begin to overcome temptation and sin. He gives you his Holy Spirit. This side of heaven you will not be perfect. You will continually need to be forgiven. But without always knowing it, you can become more like Christ than you were.


Let me conclude. I do so with some words of Paul to the Corinthians.

They remind you that there is a strict Christian sexual ethic.

They remind you that Christians are people who have failed.

But they are also remind you that Christians are people who have been forgiven through Christ and strengthened by the Spirit:

Do you not know [writes Paul in 1 Cor 6.9-11] that the wicked will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: Neither the sexually immoral nor idolaters nor adulterers nor male prostitutes nor homosexual offenders 10 nor thieves nor the greedy nor drunkards nor slanderers nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God. 11 And that is what some of you were. But [and that is one of those great "buts" in the bible] you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God.