Relationships

What is a Spirit-filled life like? There's a wonderful example from soon after the outpouring of the Spirit at Pentecost. Stephen had been chosen for service because he was "known to be full of the Spirit and wisdom." He was brought to trial because of his evangelistic activity. He turned his trial into an opportunity for more preaching. He was stoned. With Christ before his eyes and with a prayer on his lips, he died.

What is a Spirit-filled life like? It is taken up with Jesus. Stephen saw Jesus, he behaved like Jesus, he proclaimed Jesus, he spoke to Jesus. Jesus was the centre of his life. That shouldn't surprise us. In John 15.26, Jesus said before his own death:

When the Counsellor comes, whom I will send to you from the Father, the Spirit of truth who goes out from the Father, he will testify about me. And you also must testify…

What is a Spirit-filled life like? It is centred on Jesus. That is exactly what we find in the section of Ephesians that we've got to this morning. That's Ephesians 5.22 – 6.9. You'll find that on p 1176 in the pew bibles. Do have it open in front of you. My simple outline can be found on the back of the service sheet.

A Spirit-filled life is a Christ-centred life. Just look at those verses I've put there under Introduction, which provide the context for what follows. 5.1-2:

Be imitators of God, therefore, as dearly loved children and live a life of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us…

We should live like Christ. 5.18:

Be filled with the Spirit.

Then 19-21 spell out some of what that's going to mean, ending with this:

Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.

Here is a basic principle for life in Christ: mutual submission out of reverence for Christ. We are not to be a collection of Kings and Queens each ruling our own dominion, population of one. Because of what we know of Jesus, and because we submit to him, we submit also to one another. We are to yield our lives to Christ the King of kings. We are all to submit – not just wives, children, and slaves. We are to recognise our dependence on each other, because we all recognise our dependence on Christ.

Then 5.22 – 6.9 gives worked examples of that principle of mutual submission. This is Spirit-filled living brought down to earth in relation to wives and husbands; children and parents; and slaves and masters – which I've transposed into employees and employers. And very challenging and uncomfortable it is. Sometimes listening to God is rather like reluctantly diving into a very cold swimming pool. We don't like the thought of it, but once we've done it, we discover it's very bracing and refreshing. So, let's dive in.


First, SPIRIT-FILLED WIVES AND HUSBANDS ARE CENTRED ON CHRIST (5.22-33)

Now, this is certainly deep water in which to swim and we can't begin to get to the bottom of it. All we can do is to make some soundings. Verses 22-23:

Wives, submit to your husband as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church…

This is an amazing passage. Sometimes it is read in wedding services and there is an unmistakeable reaction, because it only half heard and generally less than half understood. You can see some strong female hackles rising, and some smug smiles on the men, which they try not to let their wives see. Both have missed the point.

Married or not, we're all involved here because marriage is an illustration of a relationship in which every Christian is involved: the love relationship between Christ and the church. But this is also relevant because all of us, single or married, have a stake in what happens to marriage in this country. For good or ill the state of marriage permeates the whole of society – either as a poison or as a healing medicine. At the moment it seems like lethal poison is pumping around the blood system of our nation, and the signs of sickness are everywhere. The deterioration in marriage is frighteningly rapid. The accumulated pain of it all doesn't bear thinking about. How can we turn back this tide of anguish? Surely only by listening again to the wisdom of the Bible. A wife should not seek to dominate her husband. She should not seek to force her own will where there is a disagreement. Her attitude to him should be submissive.

A number of things need to be said. First, accepting the headship of the husband in marriage is unavoidable if you accept the Bible as the word of God. There is scope for discussion about what it means and how to apply it, but the only way to escape the notion altogether is by straightforwardly disagreeing with the Bible and rejecting its authority. And that of course is what many do. But if we do that, we are casting ourselves off to drift rudderless on a very stormy ocean.

Secondly, headship is grounded in creation and is therefore permanently valid. That is implied in this passage when Paul takes us back in verse 31 to the creation account in Genesis 2, before the Fall. He spells it out further in 1 Corinthians 11 and 1 Timothy 2. It is not something that derives from the culture of Paul's day. It is built into the fabric of creation.

Thirdly, different does not mean inferior. Men and women are equal in the sight of God.

Fourthly, being equal does not mean having the same roles in God's order for society. That is, after all, basic teaching about life in the body of Christ: the eye is just as important as the ear; the hand is as important as the foot; but it cannot be claimed that their roles are the same. So it is with husband and wife. The roles of husband and wife, of father and mother are complementary. They are not identical. No doubt sometimes men do regard women as inferior, and denigrate the role of wife and mother. It is conceivable that sometimes wives regard husbands as inferior. Those are sinful patterns of thought that need rooting out. But you don't throw out the baby with the bathwater. We have to hold together the equality and the complementarity of the sexes.

Fifthly, submission is voluntary, not forced. Submission is a matter of willing obedience to the will of a loving God who is working to transform us into the likeness of Christ. The command is to the wife to submit and it is up to her to work out under God what that means for her in her situation.

One last point here. The command is, "Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord." It is not, "Wives, change every nappy." The point is that this framework for marriage of voluntary submission and self-sacrificing loving headship is a rather different matter to the division of labour in the family. I take nappies as an example because I'm well clear of that particular danger zone. Now there are many reasons why in any given situation the wife should change the nappy rather than the husband. I should know. I used most of them. Every one of those reasons is very convincing - to most husbands. For some reason they tend to be less convincing to wives. But generally such reasons have nothing to do with a right headship, and more to do with distaste for nappies.

It is not that every task has to be equally shared out. Division of labour is appropriate and can be worked out within the family. But headship does not imply that the division of labour should be: wife 95%, husband 5%. Now the question has to be asked: Isn't this whole biblical pattern of marriage ultimately anti-women? Jeni Murray, the presenter of Woman's Hour famously wrote that "marriage is an insult, and women shouldn't touch it". But that is a travesty in the light of the Bible's amazing vision of the glory of marriage. It is impermanence in relationships and abdication of responsibility on the part of men that is the real insult to women.

But haven't men oppressed women in appalling ways down the ages? They often have. And that's because Ephesians 5 has been ignored, not because it's been followed. The vile parody of submission and headship that we sometimes see displayed should not cause us to chuck the beautiful biblical original into the wheelie-bin with it.

Remember we've only had half the picture so far. On to verse 25:

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her…

Just as there is no escaping the principle of headship, there is no escaping the fact that it is the self-sacrifice of Jesus for us that is the pattern for what headship means. It is not lording it. It is serving the wife, as Jesus came not to be served but to serve. It is putting her welfare above your own convenience and comfort – even above your very life. Look at the unfolding stages of Christ's commitment to the church: he loved us; he gave himself; he cleansed us; he sanctifies us; he will present us in splendour. He doesn't look at us critically to see how we are doing, how we are presenting ourselves. He works through love to present us holy and blameless. So his concern is for our past, present, and future. And he is prepared to pay any price to secure what is best for us. His headship is one of responsibility and care. That is the pattern for the husband.

John Stott describes in contrast how we think of the authoritative husband… "as a domineering figure who makes all the decisions himself, issues commands and expects obedience, inhibits and suppresses his wife, and so prevents her from growing into a mature or fulfilled person." That is not biblical headship. Certainly leadership and initiative are involved, but they are exercised through loving care.

The second analogy that Paul uses is that of the husband's care for his own body. That's rather more basic and down to earth. But he seems to be saying that if you can't at first get your mind round the idea of being ready to be crucified for the sake of your wife, then you can at least understand the care that you lavish on your own body. Well, he says, give that same care to your wife. And that is after all appropriate, because, as he points out, husband and wife are one flesh through marriage.

So, we are to follow the pattern of Christ, and of his relationship with the church. Submit to one another; let wives submit to their husbands, and give them due respect; let husbands love their wives with a Christ-like love. Now the foundation of a strong marriage is the best possible basis for being effective parents. And that's what Paul comes on to next.


Secondly, SPIRIT-FILLED CHILDREN AND PARENTS ARE CENTRED ON CHRIST (6.1-4)

Children, obey your parents in the Lord [that is, in Christ], for this is right.

Here is the principle of Christ-centred submission worked out again, this time between children and their parents. Unless they are commanding something forbidden by God, or forbidding something commanded by God, the duty laid on children is to obey, at least until they're adult and taking full responsibility for themselves.

That is for the child's own good. And it is right that we should teach children to obey. Learning to obey God will be more straightforward if they have first learned to obey their parents. And throughout life, we have to be careful to honour our parents. That of course features in God's top ten commands. Why? Is it because in practice that's something we don't do at all well? Do we too easily take our parents for granted? Do we even forget them, and wish them away? We should honour them. In an increasingly aging population, we will have to pay attention to that neglected command, or our whole society will suffer the consequences. But the duties do not just fall on the children. 6.4:

Fathers, do not exasperate you children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.

Mothers are also to do this of course. But perhaps that goes without saying, and it's the fathers who need reminding that they personally have a heavy responsibility for the upbringing of their children. It's no good leaving it to others, whether in the family, or at church, or at school. 'Training', or discipline, is if you like the negative side: working to remove ways of thought and behaviour that shouldn't be there. Instruction is the positive side: working to instil ways of thinking and behaviour that should be there.

That is a long-term project that has to be maintained year in and year out until it's finally too late to do any more. Here too we have to be careful that God-given authority is not abused. Children are people too, and must be treated with great respect. They do not belong to their parents. 6.4:

… do not exasperate your children…

says the apostle.

If our child is angry, it may be that it is we who should say sorry. We easily overlook that possibility. Colossians 3.21 says:

Fathers, do not embitter your children, or they will become discouraged.

What is it that exasperates and embitters? It may be an unbending demand for obedience in something that the child just cannot see any purpose in. It may be treating an older child as if he or she were still an infant. Or it may be inconsistency, so that something that gets ignored, or that gets an amused reaction one day, is met with anger and punishment the next. We should not be surprised that we have irritated children if we behave in irritating ways.

Don't make unreasonable demands that make no allowance for the inexperience and immaturity of the child. Don't humiliate. Don't be overindulgent. Discipline should not be arbitrary or unkind. That will not build up the child. It will lead to discouragement and frustration. But do not abdicate responsibility either. We are to give our children a Christ-centred training for life.


Thirdly, SPIRIT-FILLED EMPLOYEES AND EMPLOYERS ARE CENTRED ON CHRIST (6.5-9)

Paul's third example of the application of the principle of submission relates to slaves and masters – not a family relationship but an economic one. The nature of that relationship in the first century Roman world was not that of employee and employer. The slave was a possession. The master was the owner. But Paul does not regard the slave in that dehumanised way. He addresses slaves within the Christian community as fellow-heirs in the family of God. However, they are to live out in their slavery the principle of mutual submission. And here, too, what transforms the slave's attitude is putting Christ at the centre. From 6.5:

Slaves, obey your earthly masters with respect and fear, and with sincerity of heart, just as you would obey Christ. Obey them not only to win their favour when their eye is on you, but like slaves of Christ [there it is for the second time], doing the will of God from your heart. Serve wholeheartedly, as if you were serving the Lord, not men [that's the third time in three verses], because you know that the Lord will reward everyone for whatever he does, whether he is slave or free.

Then what is astonishing in the context of the culture of the time is what Paul says next (6.9):

And masters, treat your slaves in the same way. Do not threaten them, since you know that he who is both their Master and yours is in heaven, and there is no favouritism with him.

The relationship between slave and master should be based on justice and the knowledge that they are equal before Christ. That, as someone has put it, is to put a time bomb under the institution of slavery. But in the mean time, the slave should serve as if serving Christ; and the master should treat his slave as he would want to be treated.

A contract of employment is different. But surely what was true for slavery is even more applicable to employment. The employee should work as if Christ is the employer. Employers should treat employees as they would want to be treated, in the knowledge that Christ is Lord of them both. If we are employed, then whatever our work, we are better off than slaves were. If we allow this principle of Christ-centred – not employer-centred, but Christ-centred – submission to shape our thinking, then our attitude and approach to our work will be transformed.

We all have a responsibility to the Lord for each other. Whether wives or husbands, parents or children, employees or employers, we are to submit to Christ, and faithfully fulfil the role that he has given us for now, looking to the other's interests, and not our own. If we stand on our own rights; if our major concern is for own fulfilment, our own enjoyment, then that sets up powerful centrifugal forces in families and societies that tend to force them apart. If our aim is to be like Christ, to imitate him, then that acts like glue that sticks people together.

This path of Spirit-filled submission to Christ and to one another is not an easy one. But then Stephen is one example of how being filled with the Spirit never was easy. We have seemingly endless failures that drive us to seek forgiveness. But it is a possible path, because the Lord is with us. Jesus lived a life of free submission and of servant leadership. Be filled with the Spirit, and it is possible.